What comfort zone?

Just want to share my heart. I am at a point in my life where I feel lost. I've been a stay-at-home mom for six years and now that my son is in school, I can't seem to find my place. When he was a baby, my world revolved around him. Toddler years were a blast! We had an adventure every day. There were projects and so many tiny moments of learning and laughter. We were inseparable. I knew what he needed and could provide it. I was MOM, period.

I love to see how my little baby has grown. I love the things we do together now and the way he can communicate. I am so proud of how smart he is, but I miss him. It's not just that he physically has to be away from me, it is the fact that he seems more and more to be to busy for cuddles. Kisses are less frequent. Tender moments, while still there, are slowly turning to wrestling and rowdy boy play. We have had more questions about typical six year old curiosity (if you know what I mean). Instead of giggles, I see eye rolls and crossed arms. He's normal. He's six. He's not a baby, but always MY baby.

I know it sounds stupid. Why am I surprised that my kid is growing up? What did I think would happen? My head knew it would come, but my heart didn't even want to hear it. How did we get here so fast? I did my best to cherish every moment, yet still, the time flew by.
Now the love of my life leaves me each day to grow a little more. I have had to start working again to make ends meet, but they never do. We have tried for over two years to have another child, but I guess that is just not what the Lord wants right now. I feel lost. I used to have the "mom" thing down. I loved staying home. It was familiar. I've not been to this place before. Jesus, please guide me.

What women want-----does anyone know?

Allow me to vent if you will. Ever since I've graduated high school and gotten married, I have struggled to find true female friends. I never really had too many to begin with because I used to hang out more with the guys in school. Girls always involved drama and mood swings that I just didn't want to deal with, still don't.

When I became a christian, I lost pretty much all of my old friends and just haven't seemed to find the right fit. My husband is my best friend. Next in line is my mother and sister-in-law, basically all family members. I have had too many "outsiders" either take advantage of me or flat out turn on me to be able to trust anyone beyond my circle.

I do realize I'm not the perfect friend, not even close. I guess I just don't understand what adult friends are supposed to do. Most women I've been friends with seem to still want the "high school" relationship where we're joined at the hip. That is fine for young single ladies, but come on, we've got families now. I make no apologies for putting my husband and son first and then the rest of my family. Friends should not come with obligation where I have to answer to someone or defend my choice not to talk on the phone every day.

If you can tell, I've had a recent falling out with a so-called friend. I was blindsided, which is a specialty of the female gender. I know I'm not completely innocent. I've made mistakes and even apologized for them. The only conclusion I can come to is that everything happens for a reason. True colors were revealed and as they say, "another one bites the dust".

Why are women so difficult? Let's stop tearing each other apart.

I'm doing it---by the grace of God

Well, from I can't do this, to I have to do this--- I am doing it. My son has now been in school for two months, turned six, and lost his first tooth.( Ok, remember to breathe. Stay calm......ah, that's better. ) Yes, it's still hard to be away from him, but he's doing great and I give God the glory. I got around the whole bus issue by taking and picking him up each day. That gives us more peace than shipping off. Plus I am blessed to be able to take part in class parties and have joined the PTO so I'm able to keep a good eye on things happening at the school.

I just don't know when this will all feel normal. How long until it sinks in? It reminds me of when I first started driving and I couldn't wait until I could just drive without thinking about each move to make. Although we're doing it, it still doesn't come naturally. I even looked into home schooling just as an option if the whole "school thing" didn't work out, but my sweet little boy reassured me that he likes school and would miss his friends.

I am so thankful that the Lord has helped all of us through this new phase of life. I don't even hear complaining anymore on school days and get this---when I picked him up early from school last week, he begged me to let him stay so he could have more fun. What joy to know that when I let go of my child's hand, God is still holding the other one.
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I can't do this

I know how many parents laugh at the "first time" moms who can't cut the umbilical cord when their child goes to school, but my name is Lesley and I'm still hooked to my kid. Sometimes even when I say it there is a small voice asking if I hear how silly it sounds. It's just school. Just kindergarten. Just down the road...on a big bus...with older kids...all day...on his own...ok, I'm sick now. I still get the urge to make a bottle and change a diaper, how can I just send my baby off into this big scary world? I know he needs it. He'll have fun. He could use a break away from me up his hind end. It just hurts. Jesus, please help me through this.

The Garden that Grows Despite Me

Last fall we moved from a trailer park out to farm country. I went from having a 3 ft strip of grass to over 2 acres. So, we're trying to, in theory, "live off the land". With $$$ tight and time just as tight, we bought a few plants and threw them in our rocky clay dirt that my husband tilled with an auger(gas-powered post hole digger). That was quite a sight by the way!

You know, it's funny how life goes sometimes. I had been planning and researching what to plant, when to plant and how to start seeds. I guess I've always been "by the book". However, the grand crop I planned turned into the tiny garden we threw together while breaking all the gardening rules. We planted late, in bad soil, spacing too close together with no fertilizer. But guess what...with literally sun, water and a prayer, the miracle of life sprouted! God really does know what He's doing, doesn't He---I think I read that in a book too!(ha ha)
Happy Gratituesday!

And God said...

"Let there be light"... and it IS GOOD!!! Glory be to the Lord, we're home!

Thank you for your prayers!

A home to go home to...

Well, we're in the valley.

Our electric has been shut off for almost a week now. Though it has not been easy, we've been very blessed by being able to stay with family. Through times of trouble you really do find out who cares about you. There have been numerous offers of places to stay and dinner invites. My son has been thrilled to spend extra time with his "Dabaw and Papa", but even he has said that he can't wait to go to our home in the country. I share the feeling. Though we aren't there yet, I am thankful to have a home to go home to.
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