Just want to share my heart. I am at a point in my life where I feel lost. I've been a stay-at-home mom for six years and now that my son is in school, I can't seem to find my place. When he was a baby, my world revolved around him. Toddler years were a blast! We had an adventure every day. There were projects and so many tiny moments of learning and laughter. We were inseparable. I knew what he needed and could provide it. I was MOM, period.
I love to see how my little baby has grown. I love the things we do together now and the way he can communicate. I am so proud of how smart he is, but I miss him. It's not just that he physically has to be away from me, it is the fact that he seems more and more to be to busy for cuddles. Kisses are less frequent. Tender moments, while still there, are slowly turning to wrestling and rowdy boy play. We have had more questions about typical six year old curiosity (if you know what I mean). Instead of giggles, I see eye rolls and crossed arms. He's normal. He's six. He's not a baby, but always MY baby.
I know it sounds stupid. Why am I surprised that my kid is growing up? What did I think would happen? My head knew it would come, but my heart didn't even want to hear it. How did we get here so fast? I did my best to cherish every moment, yet still, the time flew by.
Now the love of my life leaves me each day to grow a little more. I have had to start working again to make ends meet, but they never do. We have tried for over two years to have another child, but I guess that is just not what the Lord wants right now. I feel lost. I used to have the "mom" thing down. I loved staying home. It was familiar. I've not been to this place before. Jesus, please guide me.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
What women want-----does anyone know?
Allow me to vent if you will. Ever since I've graduated high school and gotten married, I have struggled to find true female friends. I never really had too many to begin with because I used to hang out more with the guys in school. Girls always involved drama and mood swings that I just didn't want to deal with, still don't.
When I became a christian, I lost pretty much all of my old friends and just haven't seemed to find the right fit. My husband is my best friend. Next in line is my mother and sister-in-law, basically all family members. I have had too many "outsiders" either take advantage of me or flat out turn on me to be able to trust anyone beyond my circle.
I do realize I'm not the perfect friend, not even close. I guess I just don't understand what adult friends are supposed to do. Most women I've been friends with seem to still want the "high school" relationship where we're joined at the hip. That is fine for young single ladies, but come on, we've got families now. I make no apologies for putting my husband and son first and then the rest of my family. Friends should not come with obligation where I have to answer to someone or defend my choice not to talk on the phone every day.
If you can tell, I've had a recent falling out with a so-called friend. I was blindsided, which is a specialty of the female gender. I know I'm not completely innocent. I've made mistakes and even apologized for them. The only conclusion I can come to is that everything happens for a reason. True colors were revealed and as they say, "another one bites the dust".
Why are women so difficult? Let's stop tearing each other apart.
When I became a christian, I lost pretty much all of my old friends and just haven't seemed to find the right fit. My husband is my best friend. Next in line is my mother and sister-in-law, basically all family members. I have had too many "outsiders" either take advantage of me or flat out turn on me to be able to trust anyone beyond my circle.
I do realize I'm not the perfect friend, not even close. I guess I just don't understand what adult friends are supposed to do. Most women I've been friends with seem to still want the "high school" relationship where we're joined at the hip. That is fine for young single ladies, but come on, we've got families now. I make no apologies for putting my husband and son first and then the rest of my family. Friends should not come with obligation where I have to answer to someone or defend my choice not to talk on the phone every day.
If you can tell, I've had a recent falling out with a so-called friend. I was blindsided, which is a specialty of the female gender. I know I'm not completely innocent. I've made mistakes and even apologized for them. The only conclusion I can come to is that everything happens for a reason. True colors were revealed and as they say, "another one bites the dust".
Why are women so difficult? Let's stop tearing each other apart.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I'm doing it---by the grace of God
Well, from I can't do this, to I have to do this--- I am doing it. My son has now been in school for two months, turned six, and lost his first tooth.( Ok, remember to breathe. Stay calm......ah, that's better. ) Yes, it's still hard to be away from him, but he's doing great and I give God the glory. I got around the whole bus issue by taking and picking him up each day. That gives us more peace than shipping off. Plus I am blessed to be able to take part in class parties and have joined the PTO so I'm able to keep a good eye on things happening at the school.
I just don't know when this will all feel normal. How long until it sinks in? It reminds me of when I first started driving and I couldn't wait until I could just drive without thinking about each move to make. Although we're doing it, it still doesn't come naturally. I even looked into home schooling just as an option if the whole "school thing" didn't work out, but my sweet little boy reassured me that he likes school and would miss his friends.
I am so thankful that the Lord has helped all of us through this new phase of life. I don't even hear complaining anymore on school days and get this---when I picked him up early from school last week, he begged me to let him stay so he could have more fun. What joy to know that when I let go of my child's hand, God is still holding the other one.
Check out Heavenly Homemakers and join in on Gratituesday!
I just don't know when this will all feel normal. How long until it sinks in? It reminds me of when I first started driving and I couldn't wait until I could just drive without thinking about each move to make. Although we're doing it, it still doesn't come naturally. I even looked into home schooling just as an option if the whole "school thing" didn't work out, but my sweet little boy reassured me that he likes school and would miss his friends.
I am so thankful that the Lord has helped all of us through this new phase of life. I don't even hear complaining anymore on school days and get this---when I picked him up early from school last week, he begged me to let him stay so he could have more fun. What joy to know that when I let go of my child's hand, God is still holding the other one.
Check out Heavenly Homemakers and join in on Gratituesday!
Friday, July 31, 2009
I can't do this
I know how many parents laugh at the "first time" moms who can't cut the umbilical cord when their child goes to school, but my name is Lesley and I'm still hooked to my kid. Sometimes even when I say it there is a small voice asking if I hear how silly it sounds. It's just school. Just kindergarten. Just down the road...on a big bus...with older kids...all day...on his own...ok, I'm sick now. I still get the urge to make a bottle and change a diaper, how can I just send my baby off into this big scary world? I know he needs it. He'll have fun. He could use a break away from me up his hind end. It just hurts. Jesus, please help me through this.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
The Garden that Grows Despite Me
Last fall we moved from a trailer park out to farm country. I went from having a 3 ft strip of grass to over 2 acres. So, we're trying to, in theory, "live off the land". With $$$ tight and time just as tight, we bought a few plants and threw them in our rocky clay dirt that my husband tilled with an auger(gas-powered post hole digger). That was quite a sight by the way!
You know, it's funny how life goes sometimes. I had been planning and researching what to plant, when to plant and how to start seeds. I guess I've always been "by the book". However, the grand crop I planned turned into the tiny garden we threw together while breaking all the gardening rules. We planted late, in bad soil, spacing too close together with no fertilizer. But guess what...with literally sun, water and a prayer, the miracle of life sprouted! God really does know what He's doing, doesn't He---I think I read that in a book too!(ha ha)
Happy Gratituesday!
You know, it's funny how life goes sometimes. I had been planning and researching what to plant, when to plant and how to start seeds. I guess I've always been "by the book". However, the grand crop I planned turned into the tiny garden we threw together while breaking all the gardening rules. We planted late, in bad soil, spacing too close together with no fertilizer. But guess what...with literally sun, water and a prayer, the miracle of life sprouted! God really does know what He's doing, doesn't He---I think I read that in a book too!(ha ha)
Happy Gratituesday!
Monday, June 8, 2009
And God said...
"Let there be light"... and it IS GOOD!!! Glory be to the Lord, we're home!
Thank you for your prayers!
Thank you for your prayers!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
A home to go home to...
Well, we're in the valley.
Our electric has been shut off for almost a week now. Though it has not been easy, we've been very blessed by being able to stay with family. Through times of trouble you really do find out who cares about you. There have been numerous offers of places to stay and dinner invites. My son has been thrilled to spend extra time with his "Dabaw and Papa", but even he has said that he can't wait to go to our home in the country. I share the feeling. Though we aren't there yet, I am thankful to have a home to go home to.
Don't forget to visit Heavenly Homemakers for more Gratituesday!
Our electric has been shut off for almost a week now. Though it has not been easy, we've been very blessed by being able to stay with family. Through times of trouble you really do find out who cares about you. There have been numerous offers of places to stay and dinner invites. My son has been thrilled to spend extra time with his "Dabaw and Papa", but even he has said that he can't wait to go to our home in the country. I share the feeling. Though we aren't there yet, I am thankful to have a home to go home to.
Don't forget to visit Heavenly Homemakers for more Gratituesday!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
You preach it, do you believe it ?
Faith. Do you have it? In what? In yourself? In God? In the idea that things will work themselves out?
Guess what, I'm not asking you, I'm asking me.
My last post was written about the daily provision God provides even in uncertain circumstances. Well, I spoke it, now it's being tried yet again only a little deeper this time.
I think it was my pastor who said, "Your faith is more important than your blessing." Translation: What you get out of the situation spiritually is more important than what you get out of it physically. That's why we go through trials, right? With that being understood, shouldn't it make facing the issues a little easier. Shouldn't we already know that God has our best interest at heart? Of course. Is it just that easy? Not always. We're human. I'm human.
If you want to call and talk more about it, just give me a call at....oh, wait a minute, you can't, our phones are disconnected. So maybe then you could stop by and visit. I live at.....oh, yeah, sorry, they're supposed to shut our electric off today. Now, what was I saying about faith?
Here's the deal. Situation-not good. God-always good.
We've honestly done all that we could to prevent shut offs. I have been praying that the Lord would simply provide. He always has and promised He always will. I have been through these kind of things enough to (Lord willing) stand on His promise. I've been scared, and He's comforted. I've been sick, and He's healed. I've seen no way out, He's carried me. I choose to trust Him NOW!
Guess what, I'm not asking you, I'm asking me.
My last post was written about the daily provision God provides even in uncertain circumstances. Well, I spoke it, now it's being tried yet again only a little deeper this time.
I think it was my pastor who said, "Your faith is more important than your blessing." Translation: What you get out of the situation spiritually is more important than what you get out of it physically. That's why we go through trials, right? With that being understood, shouldn't it make facing the issues a little easier. Shouldn't we already know that God has our best interest at heart? Of course. Is it just that easy? Not always. We're human. I'm human.
If you want to call and talk more about it, just give me a call at....oh, wait a minute, you can't, our phones are disconnected. So maybe then you could stop by and visit. I live at.....oh, yeah, sorry, they're supposed to shut our electric off today. Now, what was I saying about faith?
Here's the deal. Situation-not good. God-always good.
We've honestly done all that we could to prevent shut offs. I have been praying that the Lord would simply provide. He always has and promised He always will. I have been through these kind of things enough to (Lord willing) stand on His promise. I've been scared, and He's comforted. I've been sick, and He's healed. I've seen no way out, He's carried me. I choose to trust Him NOW!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Who says God won't just drop money out of the sky?
Listen, money's tight or at our house non-existent sometimes. I know my family's not the alone in that situation. Financial troubles are running rampid across the globe. It's hard no matter how much faith you have. I believe we can all learn life-changing lessons through all of this turmoil.
For me, here's what I'm trying to get a hold of----
Lesson #1- Trust God (so obvious yet not so easy for flesh)
Lesson #2- Stop worrying about tomorrow (it's to the point that I physically can't fathom what may or may not come next)
Lesson #3- Eat the manna God has provided today (with thanksgiving)
(do we see a theme?)
I have to talk myself through this to get my thick head wrapped around the fact that I AM NOT IN CONTROL nor have I ever been.
I can remember many times trying to encourage others facing the same problems we are right now. A particular person my husband has witnessed to often on the subject would many times reply with, "God's not just going to drop money out of the sky." Our response was simply, "Why not?" He's God. He can do whatever He wants. I have always believed that, but in the storm, we can easily forget. So, He reminds us.
To start the week, we have no paycheck. (Long story) Anyway, put food and gas aside, I was sick with worry over two small bills that HAD to be paid. I finally vented in frustration and hopelessness to my husband that all I need is a measly $100 to pay our bills and I can't even do that. We were broke. He didn't respond. He walked to the bedroom and came back with an envelope and handed it to me. I opened it up to find exactly $100 inside. Apparently, earlier that day a person he works with was praying and God told them to give it to us. They had no way of knowing our circumstances, but our Father knows right where we are. His strength is made perfect in our weakness. I am weak. Glory be to God!
For more reasons to rejoice visit Heavenly Homemakers for Gratituesday!
For me, here's what I'm trying to get a hold of----
Lesson #1- Trust God (so obvious yet not so easy for flesh)
Lesson #2- Stop worrying about tomorrow (it's to the point that I physically can't fathom what may or may not come next)
Lesson #3- Eat the manna God has provided today (with thanksgiving)
(do we see a theme?)
I have to talk myself through this to get my thick head wrapped around the fact that I AM NOT IN CONTROL nor have I ever been.
I can remember many times trying to encourage others facing the same problems we are right now. A particular person my husband has witnessed to often on the subject would many times reply with, "God's not just going to drop money out of the sky." Our response was simply, "Why not?" He's God. He can do whatever He wants. I have always believed that, but in the storm, we can easily forget. So, He reminds us.
To start the week, we have no paycheck. (Long story) Anyway, put food and gas aside, I was sick with worry over two small bills that HAD to be paid. I finally vented in frustration and hopelessness to my husband that all I need is a measly $100 to pay our bills and I can't even do that. We were broke. He didn't respond. He walked to the bedroom and came back with an envelope and handed it to me. I opened it up to find exactly $100 inside. Apparently, earlier that day a person he works with was praying and God told them to give it to us. They had no way of knowing our circumstances, but our Father knows right where we are. His strength is made perfect in our weakness. I am weak. Glory be to God!
For more reasons to rejoice visit Heavenly Homemakers for Gratituesday!
Monday, May 4, 2009
The little things...
There are so many issues going on in the news. You know, the words we hear daily. Recession!-- Gas prices!-- Swine flu!-- Oh My!
Yes, things look bleak. Yes, we need to be aware. Yes, God is still in control.
My family is struggling with financial difficulty which can affect every aspect of life, including spiritual life. Anxiety over what will happen tomorrow can be downright suffocating. I remember a plaque my mother had that said, "I may not know what tomorrow holds, but I know Who holds tomorrow." Sometimes I think we go through things to learn to appreciate the daily manna we are given. While I prepared a less than fancy dinner for my family, I did my best to make it special with pretty plates and such. I watched my little boy eat while giving me the "thumbs up" and he thanked me for making such good food. I am just thankful to have warm, filling food in our bellys and provision for today. God's promises are true. We must choose to put fear out of our minds even though we can't see where the next step will lead. Let's remember to praise Him for the little things.
Be sure to visit www.heavenlyhomemakers.com for more thankful tidbits.
Yes, things look bleak. Yes, we need to be aware. Yes, God is still in control.
My family is struggling with financial difficulty which can affect every aspect of life, including spiritual life. Anxiety over what will happen tomorrow can be downright suffocating. I remember a plaque my mother had that said, "I may not know what tomorrow holds, but I know Who holds tomorrow." Sometimes I think we go through things to learn to appreciate the daily manna we are given. While I prepared a less than fancy dinner for my family, I did my best to make it special with pretty plates and such. I watched my little boy eat while giving me the "thumbs up" and he thanked me for making such good food. I am just thankful to have warm, filling food in our bellys and provision for today. God's promises are true. We must choose to put fear out of our minds even though we can't see where the next step will lead. Let's remember to praise Him for the little things.
Be sure to visit www.heavenlyhomemakers.com for more thankful tidbits.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Internet invasion
There are so many wonderful advances we've made in technology. Sometimes, though, we can be too smart for our own good and the good of our families. The world of computers can be so helpful and yet there is always an underlying danger that lurks. There are many forms the "enemy" uses to distract and destroy all that is good. If you've ever typed in the wrong thing in a search box and ended up on a website that was smut, you know what I mean. One wrong move and POW! a fiery dart right in the kisser.
What's on my mind right now is the whole trend of let's just call them "personal profile" websites. You know, the ones that everyone goes to to post their lives and stay connected to each other. Sounds simple enough. Sounds innocent enough. For a lot of people, maybe it is. However, there are a lot a gray areas on the internet. There are no physical lines or boundaries and most of us sit in the privacy of our homes where there is no accountability of others "seeing" what we do. You can meet an old friend and chat about years gone by. You can connect people through this media of false truth of how great we all portray ourselves. You can easily be ensnared with too-good-to-be true emotions leading your heart astray. Before you know it, you've been trapped. Good intentions go wrong. Very wrong. Families, even the closest ones, can be destroyed. That is the objective of the enemy we fight. Fear not, God gives us armor for battle. We choose to resist temptation with the help of our mighty Leader. The enemy must flee, but be careful little fingers where you type, lest you enter his territory.
What's on my mind right now is the whole trend of let's just call them "personal profile" websites. You know, the ones that everyone goes to to post their lives and stay connected to each other. Sounds simple enough. Sounds innocent enough. For a lot of people, maybe it is. However, there are a lot a gray areas on the internet. There are no physical lines or boundaries and most of us sit in the privacy of our homes where there is no accountability of others "seeing" what we do. You can meet an old friend and chat about years gone by. You can connect people through this media of false truth of how great we all portray ourselves. You can easily be ensnared with too-good-to-be true emotions leading your heart astray. Before you know it, you've been trapped. Good intentions go wrong. Very wrong. Families, even the closest ones, can be destroyed. That is the objective of the enemy we fight. Fear not, God gives us armor for battle. We choose to resist temptation with the help of our mighty Leader. The enemy must flee, but be careful little fingers where you type, lest you enter his territory.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
I have no idea what I'm doing---do you?
Hi there. Well, here we go, my first post. I doubt anyone will read this, but if I'm wrong---Welcome to my world!
I am a blogging newbie, so if you have any tips for me, I'd greatly appreciate it!
I've decided to start a blog for a few reasons. First of all, I hope to make some new friends. I believe we all need to support each other and we each have something to share with the rest of the world. Second, I have been following a few "mommy" blogs that I do absolutely adore. However, I've just been wondering if there is a place for not-so-perfect moms. I don't know about you, but I have always worried way too much about what others think of me. I have tried to fit the mold in every way. I've tried to be the most faithful Christian, the most patient mother, the "Donna Reed" homemaker, the greatest wife ever and all around model citizen. I've always tried to get it "right", whatever that is. Whether it's the pressures of the world or simply self-inflicted, I realize that I have never given myself the permission to just be---be what I am, good or bad, fat or thin, right or wrong. God made me. I'm here for His purpose. My hope is that I'll learn to see past my flaws and focus on the Lord's will. I believe once I can get my eyes off "what's wrong with me" I will be able to be the wife, mother and Christian I so long to be.
Thank you Jesus for the hope I have in You!
I am a blogging newbie, so if you have any tips for me, I'd greatly appreciate it!
I've decided to start a blog for a few reasons. First of all, I hope to make some new friends. I believe we all need to support each other and we each have something to share with the rest of the world. Second, I have been following a few "mommy" blogs that I do absolutely adore. However, I've just been wondering if there is a place for not-so-perfect moms. I don't know about you, but I have always worried way too much about what others think of me. I have tried to fit the mold in every way. I've tried to be the most faithful Christian, the most patient mother, the "Donna Reed" homemaker, the greatest wife ever and all around model citizen. I've always tried to get it "right", whatever that is. Whether it's the pressures of the world or simply self-inflicted, I realize that I have never given myself the permission to just be---be what I am, good or bad, fat or thin, right or wrong. God made me. I'm here for His purpose. My hope is that I'll learn to see past my flaws and focus on the Lord's will. I believe once I can get my eyes off "what's wrong with me" I will be able to be the wife, mother and Christian I so long to be.
Thank you Jesus for the hope I have in You!
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